Journal of Dreams · §§ 91–120

91. I wondered at this, and then it was shown to me spiritually that a man in this state is like a person who has his head down and his feet up; and it occurred to me why Moses had to remove his shoes when he was to go into the presence of the Holy One; and also why Christ washed the feet of the apostles, and answered Peter that all is sufficient when the feet are washed. Then in the spirit I perceived that that which proceeds from the centre itself, which is love, is the Holy Spirit which is represented by the water, for there was mentioned water or a wave.

92. In short, when a person is in such a state as not to possess a love that centres upon self, but upon the common good-such as on the earth or in the moral world represents love in the spiritual world, and this not for the sake of self or society, but for the sake of Christ, who is love itself and the centre,-then he is in the right state. Christ is the ultimate end; all other ends are mediate ends leading directly to Him.

93. Afterwards I fell asleep, and beheld one of my acquaintances sitting at a table. He greeted me, but I did not notice it at once, and before I had returned his greeting he became offended and gave me some harsh words. I wanted to excuse myself, and finally managed to say that I am often in deep thought and do not observe when someone greets me, and sometimes pass my friends on the street without seeing them. I appealed to an acquaintance, who was present, to bear witness, and he said it was so, and I said that no one was more anxious to be polite and humble than I (God grant this may be the case). This was on account of the night before, that I had been in other thoughts than I ought to have been, and may our Lord in His infinite mercy excuse me. My friend, however, said nothing in reply, but still seemed satisfied, as I believed.

94. [April] 10-11

I came into a chamber below, where there were many persons, but I saw only a woman, dressed in black, not malicious; she walked into a chamber, but I did not wish to go with her, though with her hand she beckoned me towards the door. Afterwards I went out and found myself several times stopped by a spectre which covered me all over the whole of the back; finally it vanished.

95. I came out, and then there came an ugly spectre who did the same; it was an ugly old man; at last I escaped from them. These were my thoughts on the previous day, when indeed I regarded myself as altogether too unworthy, and that I would not be able to endure throughout my life, but still trusted that God is mighty in everything and that His power will accomplish it; nevertheless there was something with me which prevented me from submitting to the grace of God as I ought, for Him to do with me according to His pleasure.

96. When I came out, I saw many persons sitting in a gallery, and lo, a mighty stream of water came pouring down through the roof, and it was so strong that it broke through everything in its way. There were some who tried to close the opening so that the water should not come in; others who tried to get away so that it should not reach them; others again tried to dissipate it into drops, and one who tried to divert it so that it would pass outside the gallery. This meant, I believe, the power of the Holy Spirit which flowed into the body and the thoughts; in part I impeded; in part I went out of its way; and in part, I turned it aside, for the people signifies my thoughts and will.

97. Afterwards I came thence, and in my thoughts I began as it were to measure and divide into parts that which proceeds from the centre to circumference. It seemed to be heaven, for afterwards there appeared there a heavenly shining light; I may indeed reflect on this somewhat, but I dare not yet regard it as certain, for it refers to something which is to take place.

98. While I was in the first infestation I cried to Jesus for help, and it went away; I also kept my hands folded under my head, and it did not return a second time. I nevertheless in tremors when I awoke, and now and then I heard a dull sound, but I do not know whence it came.

99. Afterwards, when I was awake, I began to think whether this might not be phantasy. I then noticed that the faith was faltering, but I prayed with folded hands that I might be strengthened in the faith, which also took place at once. I also fell into thoughts about my being more worthy than others, but I prayed in a similar manner and then it vanished at once. If therefore our Lord in the least withdraws His hand from a person, he is out of the right path and out of the true faith itself, as has been the case with me who so manifestly has experienced it.

100. This night I slept about eleven hours, and during the whole of the morning I was in my usual state of internal joy, and yet there was a pang along with it, which I supposed came from the power of the Spirit and from my own unworthiness. After a while by the assistance of God I came into thoughts such as these, that a person ought to be content in all that the Lord pleases to do, because it is of the Lord, and that he should not then resist the Spirit when he receives from God the assurance that it is the grace of God which leads everything for our best. For since we are His, we must be content with what He pleases to do with that which is His own. Still we should pray for this to our Lord, for it is not in the least in our own power.

101. He then gave me His grace to this end. I reflected somewhat upon this and wanted to know why it is so, which was a sin. The thoughts should not go in that direction, but I must pray to our Lord for power to control them. It is enough that it is His pleasure. In everything we ought to call upon Him, pray to Him, give thanks to Him, and in humility acknowledge our own unworthiness.

102. I am still weak in body and thoughts, for there is nothing that I know except my own unworthiness, and that I am a miserable creature. This torments me, and I realize thence how unworthy I am of the grace that I have received.

103. I observed also this that the stream of water which rushed down, had pierced the garments of a person who had been sitting there, as he was stepping out of the way. Perhaps there had fallen upon me a drop, which is pressing so hard. What, then, would have happened if the whole stream had reached me? I therefore took this for my

Motto:

God’s will be done: I am Thine and not mine own.

May God give His grace for this, for it is not mine.

104. I perceived that a person may be in anguish spiritually, even though he is assured by the Spirit that his sins are forgiven and has the hope and the confidence that he is in the grace of God. This may . . . [The two last words are obliterated.]

105. [April] 11-12

The whole night I was in a dream; I recollect only the smallest part. It was as if I was being instructed during the whole night in many things which I do not remember. I was asleep about eleven hours. As far as I can remember it seemed to me: 1. That substantials or essentials were mentioned, and that these should be cultivated and sought for; 2. Mention was made also of the thymus gland and renal glands, which I interpret as meaning that as the thymus gland secretes the impure serum from the blood, and the renal glands remit into the blood that which has been purified, so also it takes place in us, as I believe, spiritually.

[The thymus gland and its relation to the succenturiate kidneys or suprarenal capsules, (glandula renales) are treated of by Swedenborg in the Animal Kingdom, Vol. II., n. 379, (p. 225 of the English edition).

106. 3. My sister Caisa appeared; she pretended she was sick, and she threw herself down and screamed; but when our mother came, she put on quite a different face and talk; the interpretation of this will be given later.

[“My sister Caisa,” a familiar name for Catherine, Swedenborg’s sister, who married Dean Jonas Unge, of Lidkoping. The following table shows Swedenborg’s brothers and sisters, and their children:

1. Albrecht, died as

a child. (1688-1766)

2. Anna, m. Archbishop – Eric Benzelstjerna.

Eric Benzelius – Carl Jesper Benzelius,

3. Emanuel Swedenborg. Bishop of Strenganas.

(1688-1772) – Ulrica, m. Bishop

Filenius.

Jesper 4. Hedwig, (1690-1728), – Lars Benzelstjerna,

Swedberg m. Lars Benzelsjerna, the Bishop of Westeras

m. Brother of Eric Benzelius. And five other

1. Sarah 5. Daniel, died as a child. Children.

Behm. 6. Eliezer, (1692-1717),

2. Sarah m.Elizabeth Brink.

Bergia. 7. Catherina, (“Caisa,” 1693-

3. Christina 1770) m. Dean Jonas Unge. – Nine children

Arrhusia. 8. Jesper Swedenborg, (1694) – Emanuel, (1731-

the ancestor of the present 1794)

Swedenborg family. – Jesper Gustaf,

9. Margaretha, (1695-1763) (1736-1821) and

m. Anders Lundstedt. Eight other

children.]

107. 4. There was a minister preaching to a large congregation, and at the end he spoke personally against a certain individual, but whether that one was mentioned by name or not I do not know; but someone arose and rebuked the preacher, saying that such a thing ought not to be done. I was afterwards with them in a private company, and then, on inquiry, it was said that the punishment for libeling anyone is a fine of three marks Swedish. He [the preacher] did not seem to know that it was thus punishable; it was said that the fine begins with one mark, then two marks, etc., which signifies that it is wrong to preach personally against anyone, or to speak or write, for it is punishable and libelous, for it affects a person’s reputation and honor.

[“Marks Swedish.” A “mark” was an old Swedish coin worth about 25 cents.]

108. 5. Afterwards my knees moved of themselves, which may signify that I have become somewhat humble, as is also the case, by the grace of God, for which I give thanks most humbly.

109. Afterwards I found in myself, and perhaps also from the third point in the dream, that in every single thought,-nay, even such as we believe to be pure,-there is concealed an endless mass of sin and impurity, as also in every desire that enters from the body into the thoughts, which spring from very deep roots. Although the thought may appear pure, underneath there is nevertheless the fact that a person thinks thus from fear, or hypocrisy, and many other causes, so that on reflection it is found that no one can make himself free from sin that there is not mixed into every thought much that is unclean or impure. It is therefore safest to acknowledge every hour and moment that one deserves the punishment of hell; but that it is the grace and mercy of God, which are in Jesus Christ, that overlooks it.

110. Indeed, I have also observed that our whole will, which we have inherited and which is ruled by the body and introduces thoughts, is opposed to the spirit. For this reason there is continual strife, and we cannot by any means unite ourselves with the spirit, which by grace is with us. And hence it is that we are as it were dead to all that is good, but to the evil we are [prone] of ourselves. A person should therefore at all times account himself guilty of innumerous sins, for the Lord God knows everything, and we ourselves know very little about those of our sins which enter only into the thoughts; but we become convicted of them only when they are ultimated in deed.

111. [April] 12-13.

I perceived the-fact-to be,-as, indeed, I had though through the spirit during the day; and was also represented to me as it were by a kind of luminous writing,-that it is the will that has the chief direction over the understanding. When we inhale the breath the thoughts fly in from the body, and when we exhale the thoughts are as it were expelled and rectified, so that the very thoughts posses their alternations of activity like the respiration of the lungs. For the inspiration belongs to the will, and the expiration to nature, so that the thoughts have their alternation in every turn of respiration, because when wicked thoughts entered it was only necessary to draw in the breath, whereupon they ceased.

[“The Respiration of the Lungs.” A summary of the action of the will and of nature in respiration is given by Swedenborg in the Animal Kingdom, vol. II., n. 410 (p. 209, English edition). Dr. R. L. Tafel in his note to this passage, observes that Swedenborg “probably saw this part of the A. K. through the press at this time; while the part which he was preparing for the press was the chapter on the thymus gland, which he mentioned, in n. 105. Still it is possible that during the day he was engaged on the chapter treating of the diaphragm, which follows that on the thymus gland, and where [in n. 451, note 1, p. 318, English edition] he likewise discusses the action of the will and nature in Respiration.” (Doc II:175.)]

112. Hence also, may be seen the reason why, when in deep thought, the lungs are kept in a state of equilibrium and at rest, more according to nature, and that the inspirations are then more rapid than the expirations, when at other times the reverse is the case. Also that a person in the state of extasis holds the breath, the thoughts then being as it were absent. Likewise in sleep, when both the inspiration and expiration are governed by nature, when that is represented which flows in from above. The same may also be deduced from the brain, that in the inspiration all the inmost organs, together with the brain itself, are expanded, and that the thoughts then have their origin and flux.

113. Afterwards I came to a place where there were wonderfully large and tall windmills going at a terrible speed. I then came into a darkness, so that I crept on the ground, being afraid that one of the wings would catch me, which would have been the end of me. I did come beneath a wing which then stopped, and brought myself well within it; so that the wing helped me. It meant that during the day I had been in conflict with my thoughts, which are signified by the wings of the mill, and that sometimes I did not know whither I was tending. Yet, by the grace of God, they were calmed and so I was brought forth safe and sound; wherefore, glory and praise to God, who looks not upon my weakness.

114. Afterwards it seemed to me I was in company with some persons who appeared as if desirous to make gold, but they saw that they would have to climb up, which they were not able to do, and that otherwise it would be impossible to make gold; this continued for some time, until after a while I was together with two persons who nevertheless attempted to climb up, although our Lord was not with them. I said that it could not be done, and then went up before them; I had a rope, and pulled, but noticed that there was something beneath which pulled strongly against me; finally I saw that it was a man, but I was stronger and pulled up; then I was glad and said that it was as I had said.

115. It means, I believe, that the gold signifies what is good and pleasing to God; in order to gain it one must climb up, which is not in our power, even though we are able to do it by our own strength, and that we then find that there is something pulling strongly against us, but after a while there is victory through God’s grace.

116. Afterwards I remained long in the same thought, which became more and more luminously red; this light signifies that the grace of God is written within it; and everything pointed to this, that we must actually that which is good, by the grace of God and in faith, which God may grant, and to perform it; this is to make gold, for then we receive from our Lord everything that is needed and useful. This was very powerfully represented, that what is good ought to be put into effect, and that the gold consisted in this.

117. Afterwards, when I got up, I was in a great fear of our Lord, as it were in a cold, which caused me to shiver at the least hint or thought that I was afraid of. It was the grace of God showing me that I must seek salvation in fear and trembling. And as I have my motto: “Thy will be done; I am Thine, and not my own”; and as I have given myself away from myself to our Lord, May He therefore do with me according to His good pleasure. In the body there seemed to be something of discontent, but in the spirit there was joy, for it is the grace of our Lord that effects this. May God strengthen me therein.

118. I was continually in a state of combat with double thoughts which were fighting one another. I pray Thee, O Almighty God, to grant me the grace to be Thine, and not mine own! Forgive me if I have said that I am Thine and not mine own; this belongs not to me, but to God. I pray *for the grace of being permitted to be Thine, and that I may not be left to myself.*

119. [April] 13-14.

It seemed that the grace of the spirit labored with me during the whole night. I saw Hedwig, my sister, with whom I did wish to have nothing to do. This signifies that, I must not touch the Economy of the Animal Kingdom, but leave it alone. Afterwards, when time dragged, it seemed that she first said to her children, Go out and read; and afterwards that we might play at backgammon or cards, whereupon they sat down to while away the time, and also to spend time at the meal. I believe this signifies that there is nothing wrong in this when it is done in the right way.

[“Hedwig, my sister,” i.e., Hedwig Swedenborg, who married Lars Benzelstjerna, Councillor of Mines, the brother of Eric Benzelius, (see the genealogy at n. 106). The statement that Swedenborg “would have nothing to do” with his sister, Hedwig, is explained by the fact that her husband was a secret enemy who had caused much trouble on account of Swedenborg’s property at Starbo, and had even tried to kill Swedenborg by secret means. (See Spiritual Diary 5134, 5702, 5883.)]

[That Swedenborg “must not touch the Economy of the Animal Kingdom, but leave it;” probably means that he must not yield to the temptation to proceed, in the Animal Kingdom, according to the method which he had followed in the former work.]

120. Unae accubebam, non pulchrae tamen mihi placebat; in loco ubi tetigi aliis similes erat, a fronte autem sicut dentes. Archenholtz foeminae in forma videtur esse. Quid significaret nescio, sive non aliquam tangere, sive in politicis tacere, sive aliud.

[Johan Archenholtz, a Swedish politician and historian, 1695-1777, was a leader of the party of “Caps,” or democratic party, at the Swedish Diet. Like Swedenborg, he had been opposed to the declaration of war against Russia in 1741, and was submitted to torture by the “Hats,” or aristocratic party, but after the unfortunate war he came into power again. He was one of Swedenborg’s political friends.]