Journal of Dreams · §§ 61–90

61. This much I have now learned in regard to what is spiritual, that there is nothing for it but to humble oneself, and not to ask for anything but the grace of Christ, and this in all humility. I had added what is of my own in order to obtain love, but this is presumptuous, for when a person possesses the grace of God, he gives himself up to Christ’s pleasure, and acts according to His pleasure. One is happiest when he is in the grace of God. I must most humbly pray for forgiveness before my conscience can be satisfied, for I was in temptation before this had been done. The Holy Spirit taught me this, but I in my stupid understanding had neglected humility which is the foundation of everything.

62. [April] 7-8.

Throughout the whole night I seemed to be going deep down, by ladders and other spaces, but quite safely and securely, so that the depth did not me into any danger, and there occurred to me in the dream this verse,

“Lowliness or other things, be they coming or . . . “

[The verse “Lowliness,” etc. These are the fifth and sixth lines of the third verse in the hymn “Jesus is my friend, the best one.” (See note to n. 37.)]

63. Afterwards I seemed to be at dinner in company with a number of persons at the house of a clergyman. I paid about a louis d’or for the meal, and thus more than I ought, but when I was on my way from that place I had with me two vessels of silver which I had taken from the table. This troubled me and I tried to return them, and it seemed to me that I had a plan to do so. This, I believe, signifies that in the temptation I had paid of my own (it was the grace of God), and thus more than I ought to have done, (the grace of God), but that at the same time I learned much in what is spiritual by this means, which is signified by the silver vessels which I wanted to return to the clergyman, that is, for the honor of God to give them back to the universal church in some manner, which it seems to me will also be done.

64. Afterwards I was in quite a large company at the house of another clergyman, where I seemed to have been before. When we arrived it seemed to me that we were so many as to overwhelm the clergyman, and I did not like that we were so many as to cause him trouble. This signifies that I have so many unruly thoughts, which ought not to be, and that I cannot govern them, and they were compared to roving Poles and hussars, but they seem to depart.

65. I was also in this temptation, viz., that thoughts invaded me which I could not control; and this, indeed, so severely as to keep away every other thought but for the one that they should be given free reins for once to oppose the power of the Spirit, which leads in a different direction. The temptation was so severe that if the grace of God had not been yet stronger I must have fallen therein, or else become insane. At times I was unable to force my thoughts to the contemplation of Christ whom I had seen, though only a little while. The movement and the power of the Spirit came to me [to such an extent that I felt] that I would rather become insane [than to fall]. This referred to the second clergyman.

66. I may compare this to a pair of scales for weighing: in the one is our own will and evil nature, in the other the power of God. In temptation our Lord so disposes these that at times they come into an equilibrium, but as soon as the first of the scales begins to weigh down heavier, He helps it up again. Such I have found to be the case, if I may speak of it in a worldly manner, from which it follows that this is far from being our own power, which draws everything downwards and is opposed rather than cooperating with the power of the Spirit, and consequently it is the work of our Lord alone, which He thus disposes.

67. Then I perceived that things were reproduced in my thoughts which had entered into them long before, so that I thereby found the truth of the Word of God that there is not the least word or thought that is not known to God, and if we do not receive the grace of God, we are responsible for it.

68. This thing I have learned, that the only thing in this state,- I know not of any other,-is in humility to thank God for His grace, and to pray for it, and to consider our own worthlessness and God’s infinite grace.

69. It was wonderful that I was able to have at one the same time two thoughts quite distinct from one another,- the one for myself, which occupied entirely the thoughts of others; and at the side of this the thoughts of the temptation, in such a manner that nothing was powerful enough to drive them away. They held me captive so that I did not know whither to flee, for I carried them with me.

70. Afterwards, because various things occurred to me which I had thought and fixed in my mind long ago, it was as if it had been said to me that I found reasonings by which to excuse myself,-and this also was a great temptation,-or to attribute to myself the good that I had done, or, to speak more correctly, the good which had be done through me; but the Spirit of God removed this also, and caused me to find it otherwise.

71. This last [temptation] was more severe than the former in this respect that it reached to the innermost, but over against this I received a yet stronger evidence of the Spirit, for at times I broke in a perspiration; what then came up [in my mind] was no longer anything that could condemn me, for I had the strong confidence that it was forgiven me, but that I should excuse myself and set myself free. Every now and then I burst into tears, not of sorrow but of inmost joy that our Lord has been willing to show such great grace to so unworthy a sinner. For the sum and substance of all I found to be this that the one and only thing is to cast oneself in humility upon the grace of our Lord, to perceive one’s own unworthiness, and to thank God in humility for His grace; for if there is any glorification therein, looking towards one’s own honor,-whether it be glorification of the grace of God or anything else,-it is impure.

72. While the thought occurred to me, as it often does, if it should happen that anyone took me for a holy man, and therefore made much of me; nay, as is done by some simple-minded folks, if they were not only to venerate me but even adore me as a supposed saint; I then perceived that in the zeal in which I then was, I would be willing to inflict upon him every evil, even to the extreme, rather than [to permit] anything of such a sin to cleave unto him. And [I recognized] that I must entreat our Lord with earnest prayers, that I may not have any share in so damnable a sin, or that it should cleave to me.

73. For Christ, in whom dwelleth the fullness of the Godhead, is alone to be adored in prayer, for He takes the greatest sinner to His grace, and does not regard our unworthiness, wherefore we must not in the prayer address ourselves to anyone but Him. He is almighty, and is the only Mediator. What He does for the sake of others who have become saints, is His concern and not ours, that we should [The rest of the sentence is obliterated.]

74. I perceived that I was unworthy above others and the greatest of sinners, for our Lord has granted me to go more deeply with my thoughts in certain matters than many others have done; and I perceived that here lies the very fountain of the sin, viz., in the thoughts which are brought to the work; so that in this manner my sins come from a deeper source than in the case of many other persons. Herein I perceived my unworthiness and my sins to be greater than those of others; for it is not enough to call oneself unworthy, for this may be done while yet the heart is far away from it, and it may be a pretense, but to perceive that one is such, this is of the grace of the Spirit.

75. Now while I was in the spirit, I thought and strove by means of my thoughts to gain a knowledge of how to avoid all that is impure, but I noticed nevertheless that on all occasions something from the love of self intruded itself and was turned about in the thought; as, for instance, when any one did not the proper regard for me according to my own imagination, I always thought, “If you only knew what grace I am enjoying you would act otherwise,” which at once was something impure having its source in the love of self. After a while I perceived this and prayed God to forgive it; and I then desired that others might enjoy the same grace, and perhaps they possess it or will obtain it. Thus I observed clearly that there was still with me that pernicious apple which has not yet been converted, which is the root of Adam and hereditary sin. Yea, and an infinite number of other roots of sin are with me.

76. I heard a person at the table asking his neighbor the question whether any one who had an abundance of money could be melancholic. I smiled in my mind and would have replied,-if it had been proper for me to do so in that company, or if the question had been addressed to me,-that a person who possesses everything in abundance, is not only subject to melancholy, but is [exposed] to a still higher kind, that of the mind and the soul, or the spirit which operates therein, and I wondered that he had proposed such a question.

77. I can testify to this so much the more, as by the grace of God there has been bestowed upon me in abundance everything that I require in respect to temporal things; I am able to live richly on my income alone, and can carry out what I have in mind, and still have a surplus of the revenue, and thus I can testify that the sorrow or melancholy which comes from the want of the necessaries of life, is of a lesser degree and merely of the body, and is not equal to the other kind. The power of the Spirit prevails in the latter, but I do not know whether it is so also in the first kind, for it seems that it may be severe on bodily grounds; still, I will not enter further into this matter.

[According to the estimate of Cuno, Swedenborg’s friend in Amsterdam, Swedenborg enjoyed an annual income of about 10,000 florins, or $5,000. (Doc II. 447.)]

78. I saw a bookshop, and immediately the thought struck me that my work would have greater effect than the works of others, but I check myself at once by the thought that one person serves another and that our Lord has many thousand ways of preparing every one, so that every book must be left to its own merits, as a medium near or remote, according to the state of the understanding of every one. Nevertheless, the pride at once was bound to assert itself; may God control it, for the power in His hands.

79. I experienced so much of the Lord’s grace that when I determined to keep my thoughts in purity, I perceived the enjoyment of an interior gladness, but still there was a pain in the body, for it was not able to bear the heavenly joy of the soul; I therefore left myself most humbly to the grace of God, that He might do with me according to His pleasure. May God grant me humility, that I may see my frailty, impurity, and unworthiness.

80. During all these experiences I remained in the company of all my former associates, and no one could [perceive] any change in me whatsoever. This was of the grade of God, but I knew what . . . , not daring to tell that I realized the high grace that had been granted to me, for I perceived that this could serve no other purpose than to make people think or that about me, each one for or against me, or perform any use, if privately . . . . from the glorification of God’s grace which . . . for the love of self.

[On p. 29 of the original MS. There are only twenty lines of writing, and these, according to the statement of the Swedish editor, were crossed out, the words being completely covered with ink. After much trouble the editor deciphered a portion of the writing.]

81. The best comparison I could make of myself was with a peasant who had been elevated to the power as of a prince or king, so that he possessed everything his heart could wish for, but still there was something in him making him desire to learn that he himself knows nothing. By this comparison, however, one finds that . . . it is Thy gracious hand which causes the entire joy, but yet I was anxious because he [I] cannot be content in this grace.

82. [April] 8-9

I seemed to have a dog on my knees, and I was astonished that it could speak. I asked about its former master, Swab. It was of a blackish color; it kissed me. I awoke, and prayed for the mercy of Christ, because I cherish much pride which flatters me.

Afterwards it seemed to me that on my day of prayers, which was yesterday, many things were packed up for the army.

[“Swab’s dog.” This probably refers to Anders Swab, (1681-1731). His father was Anton Swab, of Faldun, and his mother Helena Bergia, the sister of Sarah Bergia, Bishop Swedberg’s second wife. After the death of Helena Bergia, Anton Swab married Christina Arrhusia, who, on the death of her first husband, became the third wife of Bishop Swedberg. Anders Swab became Master of Mines in the Province of Dalekarlia, and subsequently Councilor of Mines. He was married to Elizabeth Brink, the widow of Swedenborg’s younger brother, Eliezer. Swedenborg, in the Spiritual Diary, n. 5042, describes him as a very wicked character; and “Swab’s dog,” in the present work, n. 82, represents pride and flattery. His half-brother, Anton Swab, (1702-1768), was the son of Anton Swab, Sr., and Chrstina Arrhusia, who subsequently became Swedenborg’s step-mother. He, also, was a Councillor of Mines. The following table shows the somewhat complicated relationship of Swedenborg with the Swabs:

Christina Arrhusia, the

Second wife of Anton Swab, Sr.

l——————————Anton Swab, Jr.

Anton Swab, Sr.

l——————————Anton Swab

-Helena Bergia the l

first wife of Anton Swab, Sr. Elizabeth Brink,

Anders Bergius -Maria Bergia who married 1.

-Sarah Bergia, the second wife Eliezer Swedenborg,

2. Anders Swab.

l

of Jesper Swedberg————— Eliezer Swedenborg

l -Emanuel Swedenborg

Christina Arrhusia, the widow of

Anton Swab, Sr., and third wife

Of Jesper Swedberg.]

[“Many things packed up for the army,” this may refer to things useful to Swedenborg in his spiritual temptations.]

83. Afterwards there came in a young woman dressed in black, and said that I ought to travel to … then she came behind me, holding my whole back with her hand so firmly that I could not make a movement; I asked for help from a person near by, and he helped to get her away, but I was not able to move the arm myself. This referred to the temptation during the day, and means that I am not capable of doing anything good of myself. I then heard as if someone were whistling, but he went away, and I was seized with a tremor.

84. Afterwards I saw someone in St. Peter’s Church going into the vault underneath, where Peter lies. He was carried out, but it was said that yet another is hiding there.

It seemed that I was free to go in and out. May God lead me!

85. Afterwards I saw all that was impure, and I acknowledged that I was impure from head to foot; I cried for the mercy of Jesus Christ.

Then it seemed that the words, “I poor sinful creature” occurred to me; I also read the same the following day.

[The words “I poor sinful creature” are the opening words of the “Mass” or “Confessions of Sins” in the old Swedish Liturgy of 1697, p. 1020, which is to be found also in all subsequent Liturgies of the Swedish Lutheran Church. It reads as follows:

“I poor sinful creature, who was begotten and born in sin, and who likewise in all my days have lived a sinful life; I acknowledge from my whole heart before Thee, almighty and eternal God, my dear Heavenly Father, that I have not loved Thee above all things, and that I have not loved by neighbor as myself. Like my fathers I have, alas! In manifold ways sinned against Thee and Thy holy Commandments, both in thoughts and in deeds. And I know that on this account I would be worthy of hell and eternal damnation, whet Thou to judge me according to the demands of Thy stern justice and as my sins deserve. But Thou, O dear heavenly Father, hast promised that Thou wilt show grace and pity towards all poor sinful creatures who are willing to be converted and who in steadfast faith will flee unto Thy incomprehensible mercy and the merit of the Savior, Jesus Christ. With such Thou art willing to forgive that in which they have offended against Thee, and never more impute to them their sins. In this I, poor miserable sinner, do confide; and I pray unto Thee confidently that according to Thy promise Thou wilt deign to be pitiful unto me and gracious, and forgive me all my sins, for the sake of the praise and glory of Thy holy Name.”

86. [April] 9-10.

The whole day of the ninth I spent in prayer, songs of praise, reading the Word of God, and fasting, except in the morning when I was somewhat occupied with other things, until the same temptation arose, viz., that I was as it were forced to think what I did not wish to think.

87. During the present night I slept very tranquilly. At three or four in the morning, I woke up and lay awake, but as it were in a vision. I could look up and be awake when I wished to, so that I was not otherwise than awake, but as to the spirit there was an inward joy that could be felt over the body. Everything seemed in an transcendent manner to [abouterade?]; it rose up, as it were, and concealed itself in something infinite as a center, where love itself was, and it seemed as if it extended itself thence round about and thus down again. In this manner it moved by means of an incomprehensible circle from the centre which was love, round about and then back again.

88. In the mortal body this love this love which then filled me, was similar to the joy which a chaste man experiences when he is in genuine love and in the act itself with his spouse. Such an extreme delight was suffused over my whole body and this for a long while; this I have also experienced before, especially just before falling asleep and after the sleep for a half an hour or even an hour. Now while I was in the spirit and yet awake,-for I could open my eyes and be awake, and come back into that state again,-I saw and observed that the internal and real joy comes from this [love], and that in so far as one can be in it, in so far there is happiness, but that as soon as one comes into any other love, which does not concentrate in the former, one is out of the way of [true happiness].

89. Thus when there was anything of the love of self, or any love that does not centre itself in this [love itself]. then one was out of this [happiness]; a chill crept over me and I as it were shivered a little, and I also felt pain, sometimes, and also whence comes that great pain when the spirit is troubled; and that this finally remains as an eternal torment, and constitutes hell, when one unworthily receives Christ in the communion, for it is the Spirit which then torments one who is unworthy.

90. In the state I was in, I came still further into the spirit, and although I was awake I could not control myself, but there came as it were an overwhelming impulse to throw myself on my face and to fold my hands and to pray, as before, about my unworthiness, and to ask for grace with the deepest humility and reverence, that I as the greatest of sinners may receive forgiveness of sins. I then noticed that I was in the same state as during the night before last, but more I could not see, because I had become awake.